A Poem (an exercise)

It’s particularly difficult to translate creative writings like the poem below. While we need to transfer the meaning, we also need to maintain the context, metaphors, rhymes, styles and so on. Unfortunately, different cultures tend to have different set of concepts. Thus, finding the exact term in the target language is almost impossible.

Original Text

By Diane Loomans, from Full Esteem Ahead :
 
If I had my child to raise all over again,
I’d finger paint more, and point the finger less.
 
I’d do less correcting, and more connecting.
 
I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
 
I would care to know less, and know to care more.
 
I’d take more hikes and fly more kites.
 
I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play.
 
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
 
I’d do more hugging, and less tugging.
 
I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.
 
I’d build self-esteem first, and the house later.
 
I’d teach less about the love of power,
And more about the power of love.”

TERJEMAHAN: MELAYU
Nukilan Diane Loomans, Full Esteem Ahead
 
Andai dapat aku ulangi detik
membentuk zuriat yang terdidik
 
Pasti kerap aku menginai jemari
supaya kurang aku menuding jari
pasti kurang aku menegur silap
supaya kerap aku membina akrab
 
Akan kubiar masa berlalu
Selagi tidak kau mensesia usiamu
 
Aku akan berhenti bertanya itu ini
dan belajar menjadi lebih prihatin
 
Akan kita daki bukit-bukit
dan kita bina rakit-rakit
 
Garangku nanti bukan sekadar berlakon
supaya kita bersungguh dan bertekun
 
Lembah dan lurah sama dijelajah
bintang nan tinggi sama kita mengadah
 
Akan kerap aku mendakap, bukan sekadar kuucap
akan kurang aku bertegas, supaya lebih aku menjelas
akan kubina jati dirinya, kemudian barulah istananya
 
Akan aku ajari, usaha perlu untuk berjaya
 
Tetapi yang lebih utama, akan aku tanam kasih sayang
sebagai kemuncak rasa
 
In the above example, I manage to find similar concept in Malay culture and get the words to rhyme accordingly. But still, I failed miserably - for the result was not a poem (sajak) at all. It ’s dry!

OLAHAN SEMULA
Nukilan Diane Loomans, Full Esteem Ahead
 
Andai dapat kuundur waktu
(untuk anak-anakku tersayang)
 
Pasti akan lebih kerap kita menginai jemari
supaya kurang aku menuding jari
pasti kurang aku menegur silap
supaya kita jadi lebih akrab
 
Akan kubiar masa berlalu
selagi tidak kau mensesia usiamu
 
Akan kerap aku mendakap, tidak sekadar kuucap
akan aku berhenti bertanya itu ini
supaya kau tahu aku sentiasa menyayangi
 
Bukit yang tinggi sama kita daki
lembah dan lurah sama  kita jelajahi
dan kita terbangkan lelayang
menuju bintang gemilang
 
Akan kurang aku bertegas, supaya lebih menjelas
garangku nanti bukan sekadar berlakon
supaya kita jadi lebih bersungguh dan bertekun
 
Akan kubina jati dirimu
terdahulu dari mahligaimu
 
Akan aku ajari
peri pentingnya usaha untuk berjaya
 
Tetapi yang lebih utama
akan aku tanam kasih sayang
sebagai kemuncak rasa

I have to rearrange the stanzas to make it  more plausible. I removed some rhymes to make it softer. Well, mothers are kind of soft. Few things I still failed though.

First; I didn’t transfer the emotion. There’s some kind of regret in the original text which I haven’t put into the translation.

Second;  it just didn’t connect. Communication between mother and child is different between native English speakers and native Malay speakers. Mothers of Malay speakers cannot be as frank as the English counterpart.

Hmm… How do we do about it? Any suggestion…